Let’s face it. Setting boundaries is uncomfortable. But you know what’s more uncomfortable? Sitting in a room with people that are failing to respect yours over Thanksgiving dinner. So today we are going to discuss ways to set healthy boundaries before the Thanksgiving holiday and what to do if those boundaries are not respected by your loved ones during the turkey feast. Gobble gobble! Let’s go.
Why Do You Need Boundaries?
Thanksgiving is often a time of togetherness, feasts, and gratitude. But for many, it can also bring stress, anxiety, and tension—especially when navigating family dynamics. Whether it’s dealing with overbearing relatives, sensitive topics (such as the 2024 Presidential Election), or a mismatch of values, setting boundaries over Thanksgiving is crucial for maintaining your peace and emotional well-being.
Brené Brown stated in her book The Gifts of Imperfection,
“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice.”
Boundaries are essential for protecting your emotional, physical, and mental well-being. They help define where your needs, preferences, and limits are, and they communicate to others how to treat you. When you don’t set clear boundaries, it can lead to burnout, resentment, and unnecessary stress. Thanksgiving, with its unique blend of family, tradition, and sometimes conflicting personalities, is a prime opportunity to practice boundary-setting.
Tips for Setting Boundaries Over Thanksgiving
Know Your Limits Ahead of Time Reflect on your needs before the holiday. Are there specific topics or behaviors that tend to trigger you? Do you need some alone time to recharge? Are there things you’re willing to tolerate and things you’re not? The more clearly you understand your limits, the easier it will be to communicate them effectively.
Be Clear and Direct When setting boundaries, clarity is key. Use “I” statements to express your needs and make them as specific as possible. For example:
“I need some quiet time after dinner to recharge.”
“I prefer not to discuss politics at the table this year.”
“I’m not comfortable with certain jokes or comments, so I’d appreciate it if they didn’t come up.”
By being direct, you’re more likely to get your needs met, and it minimizes the chance of confusion or misinterpretation.
Communicate Early Don’t wait until you’re feeling overwhelmed or triggered to assert your boundaries. If you know there are sensitive topics (e.g., personal life, relationship status, financial questions) or behaviors (e.g., nagging, criticism), let people know ahead of time what you’re not comfortable with. Early communication can set the tone for the entire gathering and reduce the likelihood of boundary violations.
Prepare for Pushback Not everyone will respect your boundaries immediately, and some family members may even challenge them. This is especially true in families where boundary-crossing behaviors are a longstanding pattern. Prepare yourself for potential pushback by staying calm, firm, and consistent. It’s okay to repeat your needs if necessary, and it’s okay to say, “This is what I need for my mental health.”
Set Physical Boundaries Whether it’s the seating arrangement at the dinner table or how close someone stands to you during conversations, it’s important to communicate physical boundaries too. For example, if you don’t like people crowding you or touching you without permission, let others know gently but firmly. “I’m not comfortable with being hugged right now” or “Can we sit a little farther apart?” are clear and respectful ways to address physical boundaries.
What to Do if Your Boundaries Are Disrespected
Even if you’ve communicated your boundaries clearly, there may still be moments when they are disrespected. Here’s how to handle those situations with grace and self-respect.
- Stay Calm and Firm If someone crosses your boundary, stay calm and composed. It’s important not to react impulsively. Take a deep breath and calmly restate your boundary. For example:
- “I’ve asked not to discuss this topic, and I would appreciate it if we could move on.”
- “I’ve mentioned that I need some space right now, so I’ll step outside for a bit.”
Don’t apologize for your boundaries. They are valid, and it’s perfectly reasonable to enforce them.
- Use the “Broken Record” Technique If someone repeatedly disrespects your boundary, employ the “broken record” technique. This involves repeating your message without getting defensive or escalating the situation. For example:
- “I’m not comfortable talking about that.”
- “I’ve asked for some quiet time, and I’ll be stepping away now.”
The repetition reinforces your position without engaging in an argument.
- Engage in Self-Care If your boundaries are violated and you feel overwhelmed, take time for yourself. Whether it’s stepping away for a walk, retreating to a quiet room, or doing some breathing exercises, make sure to prioritize self-care. Acknowledge your feelings and give yourself permission to take a break. Your well-being should come first, and it’s okay to remove yourself from a situation that’s draining or disrespectful.
- Addressing Disrespect in Real-Time If you feel comfortable doing so, calmly address the person who disrespected your boundary in the moment. It might sound something like this:
- “I understand you may not agree with my boundary, but I need you to respect it.”
- “I’ve asked not to talk about that right now. Let’s change the subject.”
Keep your tone neutral and non-confrontational. You’re not attacking the person; you’re asserting your right to maintain your own boundaries.
- Know When to Walk Away Sometimes, despite your best efforts, certain people may refuse to respect your boundaries. In those cases, it might be necessary to remove yourself from the situation entirely. This could mean stepping outside, leaving the dinner early, or even leaving the event altogether if the environment becomes too toxic or emotionally exhausting. Protecting your mental health is paramount.
Navigating Thanksgiving with Compassion and Clarity
Remember, setting boundaries doesn’t mean you’re being rude or selfish—it means you’re honoring your needs and taking care of your mental and emotional health. You deserve to have a Thanksgiving that feels supportive, relaxing, and nurturing. Whether that means limiting difficult conversations or taking a break from overwhelming relatives, you have every right to establish limits.
By communicating your boundaries clearly, calmly, and with confidence, you set the tone for a more peaceful, enjoyable Thanksgiving. And if others push back or try to ignore your needs, handle the situation with compassion for yourself. Boundaries are a form of self-respect, and by honoring your own needs, you teach others how to treat you with respect as well.
Wishing you a Thanksgiving full of peace, joy, and the strength to maintain your boundaries!
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